Watching the Oscars: A 5-step guide to sounding smart at your viewing party
So you've only vaguely been following the #OscarsSoWhite controversy, and haven't seen The Revenant but heard something happened with a bear. Don't panic. We're here to help. Read through this handy 5-step guide and you'll be able to out-speculate everyone, including your friend who always brings the Best Picture themed cupcakes.
This one is important so pay attention: All 20 acting nominees are white for the second year in a row, and all signs point to something similar happening again next year. USA TODAY developed report cards for big studios based on what's slated for 2016 and, well, you wouldn't want to show your parents those grades.
Several stars have called for a boycott. Ava DuVernay, director of the 2014 Oscar-nominated film Selma, and director/writer Ryan Coogler of Creed, are counter-programming with a fundraiser for Flint, Mich. Al Sharpton is organizing a "TV tuneout" and various rallies.
Chris Rock is still hosting, though pal Steve Harvey is encouraging him to use the opportunity to be "bigger and blacker" to make up for the missing contingent.
#OscarsSoWhite controversy: What you need to know
Analysis: Prospects for Hollywood diversity look bleak
2. The Best Picture race is looking a lot like the Republican primaries.
Meaning there are a lot of white, male directors and casts fighting for delegates, and the top three are splitting the vote. (See what we did there?) The wilderness survival story The Revenant, Wall Street melodrama The Big Short and journalism-porn Spotlight are in a bit of a ménage à trois. The Revenant will likely take the lead, though Spotlight should win for it's true-life tale of justice being served and hero Marty Baron, who is sort of like Superman, if Superman's real identity was Clark Kent and he looked like Liev Schreiber.
Best picture race brings chaos to the Oscars
3. Yes, Leo will probably win an Oscar.
Yes, it is about time. Yes, he did fight a bear and climb in a horse carcass. Yes, he will probably bring his mom and deliver a forgettable acceptance speech. Yes, this is what we imagine his texts to old friend and fellow nominee Kate Winslet look like. #TitanicForever
Oscar ballot: Who will win and should win
4. There should be a lot of gif-able quotes.
The Academy is trying this new thing where they stream pre-written thank-you's at the bottom of the screen so winners can spend less time thanking their posse and more time talking about world peace. It should look sort of like the tweet ticker on cable news that no one reads. And most winners will probably thank their posse anyway, so viewers will likely see and hear the long list of people they don't care about, also like the cable news tweet ticker. But, we'll cut them a break and hope that everyone pulls a Patricia Arquette or Jodie Foster and uses their time wisely.
In one of the best opening acts ever announced, Vice President Joe Biden will introduce Lady Gaga, who will sing her Best Original Song-nominated Till It Happens To You from the documentary The Hunting Ground about college sexual abuse. Then everyone will sit criss-cross-apple-sauce and Uncle Joe will tell us about the very real consequences of allowing our sexual assault rates to stay so high.
Can the 'thank-you scroll' save Oscar speeches?
5. Brie Larson and Alicia Vikander are the new 'It' girls
Before this year, both women would have probably conjured a good, "Wait, I know I've seen her in something before."
Hint: Larson was Amy Schumer's sister in Trainwreck, and Vikander was a protege of Keira Knightley in Anna Karenina. No one who has seen Room will forget Larson now, including the Academy who will likely bestow her with the best actress statue.
Vikander has been all over, and could have been nominated for both of her critically acclaimed films, The Danish Girl and Ex Machina. But Danish Girl it is, and she has a good chance of edging out Kate Winslet for the best supporting actress honor. Though even if she doesn't, she has a well-suited and no doubt lucrative partnership with Louis Vuitton, and boyfriend and fellow nominee Michael Fassbender to ease her pain.